Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize