She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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