singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
