I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Can i not drive my cunt home
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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