Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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