so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
