here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
