I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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