My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
