I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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