Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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