I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
love makes seman taste better
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
