I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
