I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
