Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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