I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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