can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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