And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize