so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just found puke in my bra..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
