One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my shit smells like andre
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
