saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
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