omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if i died would you start the facebook group?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
