my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My dick has a subreddit
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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