3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
