Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
