I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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