watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
