just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
