I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
