can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Randomize
