You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
