Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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