Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
