Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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