I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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