apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
