Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
