Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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