i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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