Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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