If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
