There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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