I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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