I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
