we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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