I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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