oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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