at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This show inspires me to have sex in space
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
