I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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