I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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