that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
