he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
