by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
