Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We are two peas in an std pod
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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