When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I love you.
Bad choice
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
