I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
