You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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