Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
