I can tuck mytits in my pants
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
