ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
