I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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