What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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