Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
