fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
